Most people may only be familiar with the name “Sausalito” from the universally lauded style of Pepperidge Farm cookies. Sausalito, however, is also an actual city, located in Marin County, California, just north of the Bay Area. Being right on the coast, and with a spectacularly moderate climate, this town is an ideal place for houseboat-owning artists or just regular folks seeking a weekend getaway during which they can let their mind drift away. Sometimes, however, even our best-laid plans go astray and the iron fist of life instantaneously and undeniably crushes everything we’ve ever believed in, leaving not even a crumb of hope for the future. With this in mind, here’s a little list of some spots in Sausalito to have a nervous breakdown.

Sausalito Visitor’s Center

A common first stop when visiting any city for the first time, is to pop into the visitor’s center to get your bearnings. It’s also a good a place as any to completely fucking lose it. Here’s an easy scenario to imagine: you walk up to this welcoming abode and stop briefly to take in the the “Welcome to Sausalito” sign. After a moment, all of the sudden you can vividly comprehend the amount of time it took someone to design and build this textual announcement. And worst part is, you think it sucks. Correction: you know it sucks. The font sucks, the stupid color choice and letter spacing is fucking dumb. And yet somehow everyone else is walking past thinking nothing of it. Or worse, they’re stopping and getting their photo taken in front of it. Who on earth would partake in such a nauseating, soul-sucking act? And why are you, of all people, punished with the oh-so-lonely ability to see the world for what is–a meaningless pile of stale human feces. Not that you’re above it or anything. No, no, you are as guilty as everyone else. You, too, are an undeniably worthless piece of shit. What the fuck are you even doing here in Sausalito? WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU? Take a seat on the welcome bench outside the entrance and sob audibly for an hour or two.

Bubble Street Gallery

Like many quaint towns in California, Sausalito has a thriving artist community. In fact, there are over a dozen boutique art galleries in the downtown area alone. One popular gallery in particular, Bubble Street, features the neo-surrealistic work of contemporary artist, Daniel Merriam. And guess what, there’s no better public place in Sausalito to mentally throw-in-the-towel. Upon entering this whimsical shop, you will be greeted by a wall full of framed fantastical scenes of circus tents, trumpet players, anthropomorphized moons, and a menagerie of fictional creatures. You will then pat yourself on the back for immediately determining how fucking lame this shit is. Only laughable schmucks with zero taste in art would be dumb enough to spend $1,000 on this pastel steam-punk Narnia bullshit, right? Then it dawns on you that, even if you wanted to spend $1,000 on anything, you couldn’t. You’ve got $211.53 in your back account. Your credit card only has $302 worth of available credit, because you’ve been using it to pay your phone bill for the past year. And guess what, that Air BnB charge still hasn’t gone through, so it’s more like $129 left in there. Jesus. You’re laughing at these people and yet they are not prisoners to their own total lack of profitable job skills. YOU ARE. Oh, and Daniel Merriam? That pathetic loser of an artist just sold two paintings in an hour and you realize that’s more than you make in a month. After a moment of feverish nausea, ask to use the country-style gallery bathroom where you can stare at your pathetic, aging face in the mirror until someone knocks on the door impatiently.

Rock Balancing

With a thumbs-up percentage of 86% on Tripadvisor, “Bill Dan Balancing Rocks” is the #7 attraction in all of Sausalito. During certain times of the day, visitors to the rocky shoreline of this Marin County town are treated to a free “rock” show courtesy of “Bill Dan.” Mr. Dan’s performance seems to involve stacking asymmetrical shore rocks while somehow keeping the mini-tower balanced. Bill Dan will mesmerize a wide-eyed crowed with this  gravity-defying act. He will mesmerize you as well, but for different reasons. If you were looking for a sign on the absolute absurdity of life, you will have found it. Ignore the pitiful onlookers with their primate-like “Ooos” and “Aahs.” Take a hard look at Bill Dan’s work and realize that, holy shit, your entire life has been one insane balancing act of fragility and it’s now finally tumbling down. In fact, it’s amazing that the delicate house-of-cards that you call “composure” has lasted as long as it has before inevitably crippling into itself.  You’ve just been too distracted by unwarranted enthusiasm and performance artists with two first names. Now that you’ve seen the truth, you can never go back. Run over to that balancing rock tower, rip out the middle piece, and scream “Jenga, you ASSHOLES!! FUCKING JENGA…” Then fall to your knees and cry until you drool.